Teaser of my book!

Discussion in 'Books & Comics' started by TheStalker, Jun 3, 2014.

  1. TheStalker

    TheStalker
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    Dragon Slayer

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    I've done a lot of work on my book lately, and the intro is now at a suitable level to be shown to the public. Despite this, you don't get to see the intro! Well, at least not ALL of the intro ;)...

    I don't want to give away too much of the plot, so I'm releasing a short teaser for the time being.

    August 3rd, 2653: The day of renaissance. After an eternity of living in a society pummeled to the core by human desires, the fragile structure known as life soon broke down, as concepts and beliefs that are sustained purely by emotion often do. By night the center of this maelstrom of deceit and truth had been reduced to rubble. Earth, the cradle of humanity, was little more than dust. Despite time marching on, as it always does, the dust stands still; mirroring the desires and forsaken hearts of those who once walked across the scales of Earth.
     
    #1 TheStalker, Jun 3, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 1, 2014
  2. DrDarcy

    DrDarcy
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    I like it. It sets up the atmosphere well and I already know what style of book it's gonna be post-apocalyptic, so the intro is good. I assume it's not metro because of the date.
     
  3. Clear Sky Stalker

    Clear Sky Stalker
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    Spartan Ranger
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    Looks good. Keep it up.
     
  4. Bamul

    Bamul
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    S.T.A.L.K.E.R.

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    Since you've shown this to me earlier, you already know that I like it. However, I think you've used the semicolon incorrectly in both cases; "After an eternity of living in a society pummeled to the core by human desires" and "mirroring the desires and forsaken hearts of those who once walked across the scales of Earth" are both subordinate clauses, in the sense that they don't make sense without the bit that comes after or before them. Semicolons are used to separate two independent clauses, which isn't the case here (you can also use them to separate items in a list, which is useful when you are describing each item and are already using commas for that). Don't worry though, it's a very common mistake - it's especially popular in the UK as the Brits love to overuse the semicolon, probably due to the way English is taught at schools. Everything else about this teaser is great - it would make an awesome blurb as well.

    If we have any linguistic experts, it would be great if they could verify. I'm quite sure I've got it right above, but I don't want to lead anyone in the wrong way in case I am wrong and, since English isn't my first language, perhaps I'm not the best source of guidance for such things.
     
    #4 Bamul, Jun 3, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 3, 2014
  5. Skaara Dreadlocks

    Skaara Dreadlocks
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    Tha Baws

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    I'd love it if you wrote like that when you write in the forum, Stalker ;)

    Bamul is very correct, and I like the way he teaches it so intelligently. But let me put it simple:
    "Despite time marching on, as it always does, the dust stands still; there is nothing there to move it".
    The semicolon can, in many cases, just be replaced with the word "Because".
    "Despite time marching on, as it always does, the dust stands still because there is nothing there to move it".

    And there you have the purpose of the semicolon :3

    Very good text though, I like the setting intro and the light poetic language.
     
  6. Vic

    Vic
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    I love it and I've only read five lines.
     
  7. Von Streff

    Von Streff
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    Very nice! Keen to see it published one day!