A story

Discussion in 'Books & Comics' started by TheDarknessEnvelops, Jul 18, 2013.

  1. TheDarknessEnvelops

    TheDarknessEnvelops
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    Lion Triumphant

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    This is not finished in the slightest but just some critical feedback from people who could give two hoots

    28th of June 2012
    Court in Alabama

    “...... Lewis Jones then told Louis Rogers and his partner Roy Clear 'Don't worry, no one's been shot' before shooting Roy Clear in the chest five times, he died at the scene, the defendant then proceeded to break down the safe with C4...” The prosecutor was interrupted.
    “PE4.” Lewis said, the jury glared at him, “What' it's a factual inaccuracy.”
    “As I was saying, the defendant then took two million dollars and proceeded to leave when he was taken into custody by four officers.”
    “More like the entire Montgomery Police force.” Lewis said, he got the same reaction. The judge cleared his throat “Well, I don't really see why there needs to be a trial...”
    “Neither do I, your honour, this is Alabama after all.” Lewis laughed. Two police officers then grabbed him and dragged him out, Lewis didn't care, the moment he shot that police officer, he was going to die.

    23rd of July 2012
    In a prison in Alabama

    Lewis sat in his cell, a ex-British soldier on death row in Alabama. He was dying tomorrow and had time to think about his life. A large, balding, fat prison officer came up to his hell, Lewis looked up.
    “Catholic or Protestant?”
    “Neither, whose close by though?” Lewis said. The prison officer left and a few minutes later came back with a catholic priest. He opened the cell door and the priest walked in, he had a stubbly beard and a crew cut haircut, he was quite tall and a bit fat, what kind of catholic was this? The man sat down on the bench Lewis was sitting on. Lewis turned to him.
    “Oh, to be sure, to be sure.” He said, Lewis controlled his laughter.
    “Father, I'm not a man of God.”
    “Don't worry yourself, my child, I'm just here to help you through these final hours.” His accent was a comedy Irish accent, a bit like a leprechaun
    “Well...”
    “Son, the Almighty works in subtle ways.” The priest pulled out a bible. He placed it next to Lewis and tapped it “Take a look once I've gone.” The priest then talked to Lewis about God and science and how it could work together before the priest requested for the guard to let him out. Lewis was left to his own devices. After half an hour, he glanced at the bible lying on the bench. He picked it up and tried to flick it, it opened up, it was a box, in it was a card with some address for a flat on it and a file. Lewis looked up at the small barred window.

    24th of July 2012
    One day later, somewhere in New York

    Lewis walked up the stairs in the old tower block, the walls were stained and he had seen at least three men lying in the corridors. He walked up to number 13, the number on the card. He knocked. Almost instantly, the door swung open and he was met with the same tall Irish man with stubble and a crew cut but he was quite lean.
    “Hey, mate.” The man now sounded like a Irish thug who would beat your head in with a baseball bat. Lewis walked in and closed the door behind him. The Irish man was grinning at him. Lewis looked around the single room with a kitchen built in the corner, the only furniture except for a camp bed in the opposite corner. There was a high calibre rifle next to the camp bed and and a disassembled rifle on the kitchen surface. There were ration packs, a cooking tin and a camping stove. Next to it was a British army back pack.
    “You live on the move?” Lewis whistled.
    “No, but I'm ready for it, many people don't like me.” The Irish man laughed. Lewis looked up into the ceiling corners, there were explosives.
    “Jesus, you're going to blow this place up!” Lewis exclaimed. The Irish looked up to the explosives.
    “Ha, don't worry, they aren't primed, anyway, name's O'Hara.” O'Hara shook Lewis' hand “Take a seat.” Lewis looked around “On the floor.” O'Hara walked over to the kitchen and pulled a kettle out of one of the cupboards, he then pulled out a twelve pack of 500 ml water bottles, one of which was half full, and pulled two bottles out and poured them into the kettle. Lewis sat on the boards “You want tea?” O'Hara said happily.
    “Yeah.” Lewis had seen Perrier's Bounty and many episodes of Ultimate Force and O'Hara was way too happy to be like any of the Irish characters even though he sounded and looked like them but he also wasn't IRA.... he hoped. O'Hara started boiling the water and walked over to Lewis and sat down.
    “So, you's the boy who robbed the bank?” O'Hara said.
    “Yeah, well, tried.” Lewis said.
    “Bloody helicopter pilot.” O'Hara said, Lewis laughed.
    “Yeah.” The kettle clicked. O'Hara stood up and walked over to the kettle.
    “Anyway, Lewis, down to business, I heard you were a soldier?” O'Hara said as he pulled two plastic cups out of a cupboard.
    “That be true.” Lewis said.
    “Well, you were stealing two, three million?” O'Hara said as he started making the tea.
    “Two million.”
    “Well, I have an ingenious plan which needs eight worthy people.” O'Hara said, he walked over with the two cups of tea, Lewis didn't see any milk go into them.
    “I'm listening.” Lewis said as he took one of the cups out of O'Hara's hand, he looked in it, definitely no milk, it was as black as his ex-girlfriends soul. O'Hara sat down in front of him.
    “Well, you know the new American International bank. That chunk of capitalistic American evil is a blot on the landscape.” Lewis expected for O'Hara to start waving the hammer and sickle about at the rate he was going.
    “Yeah, I've heard of it, it's a bank with a couple of penthouses.” Lewis said, sipping the black tea.
    “Yes, and in a couple of days or weeks, there will a proper swanky party at this bank with the guest of honour being 'General Kronowskov of the Polish military' ”.He put on a Russian accent “Also at this party are three, how to put it, very attractive young actresses who all come in at a price of about two hundred million dollars each.”
    “And the general?” Lewis sipped his tea and grimaced.
    “How ever much the Poles and Americans want to pay, they'll pay a lot, mate, this Pole is the soon to be president of Poland, you know the coup?”
    “Yeah.”
    “Kronowskov's the kid who stayed in Warsaw and fought off the revolutionaries with 400 men while their president sodded off to Russia.”
    “Oh, him.”
    “Yeah, mate. A lot of money?” O'Hara seemed to question. Lewis nodded and put his tea down “Chicken feed, we'll also be moving 4 billion.” O'Hara said.
    “You're kidding me?”
    “Mate, would I, I saved you from prison? Anyway, we are going to get invited to this party.”
    “Real swanky, how the hell are we going to pay for tickets?” Lewis said gesturing around the room.
    “Hey, mate, I am a multi-millionaire and I have a lot of enemies. If I show off, I get found and I die, you get me, anyway,” O'Hara strolled over to the high calibre rifle “these guns don't come cheap.”
    “I guess.”
    “Anyway,” O'Hara stood up “I propose to you, sir, that we need eight men, make it six excluding us two.”
    “Have I agreed yet?” Lewis smirked.
    “If you don't agree, I'll blow your effing brains out.” O'Hara said in a slightly too jolly way but Lewis didn't think he was joking.
    “Okay.
    “Anyway, I need six men, a helicopter pilot, a jet pilot, two gun men, a man who knows how to jump out of a chopper and a womaniser.”
    “I can find you a womaniser.” Lewis laughed.
    “And I can find a chopper pilot.”

    27th of July 2012
    A pub somewhere in Sydney

    Lewis walked in out of the rain into the Australian pub. He walked up to the bar, the barman walked up from one side to ask for orders.
    “You'd like anything?”
    “No, I'd rather just stand here sober.” Lewis smirked.
    “One beer?” The barman smiled.
    “Yep.”
    “Five dollars.” Lewis nodded and put down five Australian dollars on the bar, the barman gave him a pint of beer.
    “Lewis?” An Australian said next to him.
    “Thought you wouldn't recognise me, J-Dog.” Lewis said, turning round.
    “Lewis Jones.” J-Dog or Jordan as known to many turned round to face him “How long has it been, five years.” Jordan had a stubbly beard and quite long hair.
    “About that, you look a mess, what's with the beard?” Lewis laughed.
    “Well, in between the fornication and the gun-smuggling, I ain't got time for shaving.” Jordan laughed.
    “Still up to your old tricks?” Lewis laughed.
    “Yes,” Jordan stood up “Come on.” He walked over to the table and Lewis followed with his beer.
    “Can I be sure you're still as good as you were?” Lewis smiled as he sat down.
    “Yep, mate, every woman in this bar except the fat one.” Jordan said, pointing at a plump woman at the bar.
    “Didn't know you had standards?” Lewis laughed. Jordan smiled and nodded.
    “That one,” Jordan pointed at a thin blonde “This table.” Jordan pointed at the table they were sat at. Lewis nearly choked on his beer.

    Two hours later

    Jordan walked up onto his patio and unlocked the door, Lewis followed after him.
    “Okay, Lou-Lou, I know you well, you want to ask me something, not just reminisce about old memories.” Jordan said holding the door open for him.”
    “Got me in one.” Lewis said. Jordan switched on a light and lit up the hall, they both then walked into the sitting room, on one of the chairs was an M4 rifle.
    “So what is it?”
    “Well, a couple of weeks ago, I tried to steal a few million from an Alabama bank, lost out and got put on death row...” Jordan gave a long whistle as he got up to get two cans of beer “anyway, some Irish guy came and found me and broke me out. He said he broke me out because he was setting a plan up to steal 4 billion dollars and four VIP's from the International Bank of America where there'll be a party going on and he needs a womaniser for some reason.” Lewis took a sip of his beer. Jordan was silent for a few seconds.
    “I'm game.” Jordan said finally. Lewis was surprised at how quickly he was turned.
    “Anyway, you said you were a gun smuggler?” Lewis said, pointing his head in the direction of the M4.
    “Yep, multi-millionaire.” Jordan said nonchalantly.
    “Everyone seems to be doing well 'cept me.” Lewis laughed “But why do you want to steal the four billion then if you're doing so well for yourself?” Lewis said.
    “Because there's no excitement in my life, the only fights I get are when some dim kids decide they ain't going to pay the most powerful gun runner in Australia.” Jordan said “There are three types of soldier I've decided, there is the one whose just there because it's a job, there's the one whose fighting for his country and freedom and patriotic BS like that then there's me, the guys who basically love the adrenaline and love to kill, yeah it's morbid but that's me.” Jordan said.
    “Okay, anyway, here's this Irish guy's house, come and join us in a few days.” Lewis passed Jordan the card he'd been given by O'Hara.
    “What's the kids name?” Jordan asked, reading it.
    “O'Hara.”
    “Okay, anyway, there's a guest room in down the corridor, can't let a mate sleep in a hotel.” Jordan said, getting up.

    26th of July 2013
    A pub in Dublin

    O'Hara came flying out of the fire escape double doors into the mud, he was lying on the ground looking back into the pub until a massive man blocked the light out of the building, O'Hara was tall, lean and muscular. This man was a mountain, six and a half foot tall and the same amount wide, O'Hara knew him and it was all muscle.
    “Paddy, Paddy, Paddy, calm it.” O'Hara put his arm up to protect himself. Paddy patted it away as if it was a fly and grabbed O'Hara by his shirt and pulled him onto his feet, O'Hara could hear the material tearing. Paddy then threw him onto the ground again.
    “O bloody Hara!! I told you never to see me again!!” Paddy shouted at him, he had a stronger accent then him but O'Hara had lived in America for three years.
    “Why, mate?” It was a stupid question, Paddy just stood there staring at him.
    “After that stupid prank you played in this very city, what reason would I have to want to see you?” Paddy said.
    “Hey, I did nothing.”O'Hara was happy to stay in the mud so as not to induce any more of Paddy's anger.
    “You bombed a bloody Catholic church in 2008!!” Paddy shouted.
    “You know, hit yourself and you'll get angry.” O'Hara tried to smile.
    “You got that from Four Lions, a film about stupid terrorists, you idiot!!” Paddy then punched O'Hara again and the left side of the face hit the mud. He pulled his head up.
    “Okay, we got the anger out now.” O'Hara said, putting his arm up feebly.
    “Not even close.” Paddy then laid into him.

    29th of July 2013
    O'Hara's flat

    O'Hara sat on his camp bed looking glum, he had a broken nose, two black eyes and cuts all over his face and under his clothes he was bruised and cut. Paddy stood at the kitchen making tea with a carton of milk. He turned round.
    “More tea, dear?” Paddy said, laughing. O'Hara just nodded. There was a knock at the door. Paddy looked at it.
    “Come in.” O'Hara said quietly. The knock was louder.
    “COME IN!!” Paddy bellowed. The door opened and Lewis and Jordan walked in. O'Hara stared at him. Jordan looked at Paddy and O'Hara, noticed O'Hara's bruises and burst out laughing. Paddy smiled and O'Hara glared at him.
    “You'd better be the greatest womaniser the world can muster.” O'Hara said.
    “He is, trust me.” Lewis said.
    “Want some tea?” Paddy said.
    “Yep.” Lewis said.
    “Na, mate.” Jordan said “Anything else?”
    “Well,” Paddy said, he opened some cupboards “there is tea, there is water, there is hot water and there is a bit of milk.” Paddy smiled at Jordan.
    “A lot of choice.”Jordan said “Water.” Paddy filled a cup with water and passed it to him.
    “I didn't know you Irish were mad about tea.” Jordan said, taking a gulp of water.
    “Tea is good, cheap and gives flavour to water.” O'Hara said, standing up and stretching.
    “Orange juice is good as well, beer as well, also heard alcohol is great for cuts.” Jordan laughed. O'Hara glared at him, “Is that your way of communicating?”
    “No, now sit down.” O'Hara walked over to him.
    “Woah, bit fast, only known you for a few minutes.” Jordan laughed.
    “Yeah, well, life's short.” O'Hara smiled, carrying on the joke.
    “I like this guy.” Jordan laughed, punching O'Hara lightly in the chest and smiling at Lewis. Lewis, Paddy and Jordan then sat on the floor in front of O'Hara.
    “This is just a quick thing, I'm not going to give my big rousing speech yet, do you three know two thugs, a jet pilot and a man who can jump out of a helicopter?” O'Hara said.
    “I know some thugs.” Lewis said.
    “I know a jet pilot.” Paddy said.
    “One of my army contacts has just got kicked out of the army, I think he was a SEAL.” Jordan said.
    “That's just brilliant, everything is now a lot easier.” O'Hara laughed “Anyway, whose for tea?”

    30th of July 2013
    Bar in New York

    “Jason?” Jordan walked up to a big American, muscular and tall. He was sitting at the bar, drinking a pint of beer.
    “Yes?” Jason said.
    “It's me, Jordan.” Jordan said. Jason turned around slowly.
    “I thought our contract was terminated, you told me if I contacted you, I'd die.”
    “Well, you haven't contacted me, have you?” Jordan said, laughing, he sat down next to him “Anyway, why were you discharged? You didn't pussy out of an operation, did you?” Jordan said.

    21st of March 2013
    Kabul

    As SEAL Team Six hit the ground, the whole street exploded, at some point Jason woke up for a few seconds and heard shouting and gunshots. He went back under again. He woke up about half an hour later and got up groggily. A middle aged Taliban operative was filming dead American soldiers , a girl was standing behind him, his daughter. The man hadn't spotted him yet, Jason looked up and saw a press helicopter pass over. Filming probably. Jason brought his rifle to bear.
    “Hands up!!” He shouted, the man turned round, grabbed the girl and thrust a pistol into the side of her head, he started shouting Arabic at him, or Pashto or whichever language they spoke here, Jason was concussed and he only just realised that this man was his target, no way was he going to miss, he fired two shots through the girl into the man, killing them both then remembered the helicopter

    25th of March 2013
    American Military Base

    “I'm sorry, Jason, you shot a girl on live TV, I know you were taking the target out but as far as the Call of Duty and Battlefield players are concerned, that was a confirmed head shot.” The major said.
    “So you dishonourably discharging me?” Jason said.
    “Yes, I'm sorry, I wish I could do more for you but the world has spoken.” Jason saluted and marched out of the majors room. 'Damn army, they were just saving their damn face in place of a good soldier'.

    30th of July 2013
    Bar in New York

    “Tough break, mate.” Jordan said, there was a pause “Say how would you like to take some money from the American government and in turn hurt the American army, ey?”
    “Keep talking.” Jason said.
    “Well, can you jump out of a helicopter?” Jordan said.
    “What?” Jason asked.
    “Well, can you?” Jordan said, standing up, Jason downed his beer and followed him out of the bar.
    “Yeah, I guess."
    "That's great, man
     
  2. TheDarknessEnvelops

    TheDarknessEnvelops
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    Lion Triumphant

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    should this have gone in pointless fun or general chat
     
  3. NuclearWastE3

    NuclearWastE3
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    HOOT.... HOOT!!

    Really great story so far TheDarknessE :clap:. Very entertaining. Can't wait to read more (fingers crossed). :)
     
  4. TheDarknessEnvelops

    TheDarknessEnvelops
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    Lion Triumphant

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    Thanks for the feed back
     
  5. TheDarknessEnvelops

    TheDarknessEnvelops
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    Lion Triumphant

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    To people who care,
    I've started writing the next bit.... again, it's heart wrenching when you write three pages when you have to write part of a story again because your computer decides to have a complete system failure, at least most of it was on here
     
  6. NuclearWastE3

    NuclearWastE3
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    That really sucks man; hate when that happens. Can't wait to see what you've come up with next :nod:.
     
  7. TheDarknessEnvelops

    TheDarknessEnvelops
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    Lion Triumphant

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    Okay, now that I've had to rewrite the next part of my story three times now, I'm am going to put the new small passage into the thread so I can move the entire story to a new computer

    "That's great, mate." Jordan turned round to Jason as they walked onto the street. He passed Jason O'Hara's house number "See me there, bring no one. And if you don't come, I'll find you and I'll kill you." Jordan said smiling.
    "Alright." Jason said "See you later."

    4th of August
    Night club in Telford, Shropshire

    Lewis walked past the dancing people to a group of young men and some women who sat on the men's knees. On the table in the centre of the circle of chairs they sat on were some vodka glasses. Lewis walked up to one of the men.
    "Tom?" He shouted.
    "Yeah, mate, whose asking?" Tom shouted back.
    "Cap'n Jack." Lewis said loudly, giving a mock salute.
    "Cap'n Jack?" Tom laughed. Lewis never quite knew why he had been given that name. His name wasn't Jack and he was a lieutenant for most of the time he'd known Tom.
    "I need to talk to you in private." Lewis couldn't stand the dubstep.
    "Oh, alright." Tom said, he stood up with a vodka glass in hand "BOTTOMS UP!!" He shouted, he then poured the contents into his eye.
    "JESUS CHRIST!!" Lewis shouted.

    4th of August 2013
    Back alley in Telford

    "So you want a gunman?" Tom said, rubbing his eye, as he led Lewis to his car.
    "Yes, you know you'll go blind doing that?" Lewis asked.
    "Na, that's something else you're thinking off." Tom laughed "Anyway, run me through the guys."
    "Well, this Irish guy is looking to pull off the heist of the century, can't turn down the offer, J-Dog's there too." Lewis said.
    "I never said I'd turn it down, also J-Dog's the mad Aussie who charged that emplacement alone?" Tom said as he walked up to his Ford Fiesta.
    "Very same."
    "Okay, whose your other gunman?"
    "That's where I need you, do you know where Gav lives?" Lewis walked up to Tom as Tom started to put the key into the lock.
    "Gavin Lloyd Jones?" Tom asked as he kept forcing the key into the lock without it turning "Stupid, bloody key."
    "Yeah, him." Lewis said, standing back. Tom put his elbow through the window and opened the door through the inside
    "I'll take you to him, I know where he lives." he looked at his bent key, no wonder it didn't work, he looked at Lewis "Do you know how to hot wire a car?"
    "We'll take mine."

    7th of August
    Tripoli

    "Cem on, Rick, how can you pass out an offer like this?" Paddy said as they walked down the street.
    "Like this, no, I've got a perfectly good job out here." Rick stopped as Paddy grabbed him. Paddy towered over Rick as Rick was about five foot five but Paddy knew Rick was a pretty dangerous guy.
    "What's your job then, shipping some less then reputable characters around Africa?" Paddy asked.
    "I do a cheap flight for criminals and refugees so I'm a good guy." Rick said.
    "Think about it, four and a half billion dollars, when are you going to get that deal again?" Rick stayed silent.
    "When you and your entourage need to disappear into Africa." Paddy sighed, he had to try a different tact.
    "You know, O'Hara wanted the best pilot I knew and I came straight to you but I don't think you're good enough actually." Paddy started to walk away, he knew Rick's honour was a big thing for him.
    "Wait just a minute, Paddy, I'm one of the best if not the best, I landed a Dakota, circa 1940, at some Somalian airstrip with half it's wing hanging off." Rick said loudly.
    "Well, you're perfect then, let's go." Paddy grabbed his arm.
    "Hey wait." Rick sighed "Alright then." He then followed Paddy.
     
  8. TheDarknessEnvelops

    TheDarknessEnvelops
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    Lion Triumphant

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    More to come in a day or two
     
  9. Clear Sky Stalker

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    Interesting and somewhat funny when I read the guy getting Vodka in the eye.:lol:

    Nice read for a short bit, cant wait to see what you come up with next.:)
     
  10. TheDarknessEnvelops

    TheDarknessEnvelops
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    Lion Triumphant

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    sadly the vodka thing is common practice in Telford on a saturday night :D
     
  11. Clear Sky Stalker

    Clear Sky Stalker
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    Sooooooo everyone gets a Vodka shot in the eye?:lol:





    Kid, kid.
     
  12. TheDarknessEnvelops

    TheDarknessEnvelops
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    Lion Triumphant

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    :D Telford isn't known for it's high IQ and some people believed the Monty Python joke that you'd get drunk quicker by pouring vodka into your eye
     
  13. Clear Sky Stalker

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    I will have to try this.......
     
  14. NuclearWastE3

    NuclearWastE3
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    ^
    No no no no....Don't try this. This is probably one of the stupidest things anybody can do.
     
  15. TheDarknessEnvelops

    TheDarknessEnvelops
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    Lion Triumphant

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    A different story, just asking for some critique

    Chapter 1
    The curtains opened and a tall man in a top hat and a suit stood alone, The Maestro “Ladies and gentlemen, I must tell you a story. When I was a child, a boy of only five, my father asked me,” The Maestro span round as he did, he stuck false teeth from his pocket in his mouth and spoke in a gravelly voice “Boy, do you believe in the Lord, our father?” Some of the children in the audience laughed, The Maestro took the false teeth out, looked up to the ceiling and in a falsetto voice said “No, father.” He looked back at the audience and in his normal, deep, loud voice said “Wrong answer, I stuck my hand out for the two canes.” The Maestro put his hand out flat in front with a flourish and two smacks from offstage were heard, the Maestro winced as if he was being hit himself “I learnt my lesson, I was a God-fearing little boy from then on.” The Maestro then jumped off the stage with a click of his heels and knelt next to a small girl, five or six, in the front row.
    “Young lady, are you a God-fearing child?” The child nodded timidly. The Maestro nodded in recognition before standing up and patting her on the head, he turned to the audience from where he stood “Lewis Battersby has a thing to say about your God. Lewis Battersby, the one and only, the one who you are here to see, not me, I am but an act, Lewis Battersby is the real thing. You will not forget what happens today, it will be with you to the grave.” As the Maestro said this, he had walked up the stairs to the top of the theatre and was now looking down at them “So let’s get in the mood, the dancers!!” Immediately, clowns came on, they had brass beaks over their faces and came on in unicycles, juggling and letting off maniacal laughter and snarls as they circled round the stage.
    From up above, the Maestro counted down “Five, four, three, two; one. And let us begin!” The Maestro gave a loud clap and the audience were plunged into darkness for three seconds. When light came back to the room, the Maestro had vanished and the clowns had been replaced by a table, lengthways to the audience, furnished for dinner, three places, three plates, bleached white napkins in the shapes of swans on these plates. In the centre was a large chicken and on the left was a bowl of fruit with, bananas, a pineapple, not something that would be in a fruit bowl, and apples. All this food was made of glass, coloured glass. One the left was a well-dressed male mannequin and opposite him was a well-dressed female mannequin, both were holding a fine china cup as if they were about to drink it and in the third place, in the middle of the table, was a man, a man in a black suit, a white napkin in his top pocket, messy hair and a waistcoat. He held a fine China cup in his hand, Lewis Battersby, he couldn’t be older than twenty five.
    “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.” The audience were silent “I am Lewis Battersby.” He said, sipping from the cup, he stood up with cup in hand “Excuse me, madam. Monsieur.” He said, nodding to the mannequins as he stood up. I am here to say why your God is a delusion, a way of ridding yourself of fear, something which is not there. So, my first reasoning is this...” He took another sip from his cup. He then threw it on the ground, shattering it “There was tea in that.” He declared “But where is the liquid?” He said, searching through the pieces “No moisture at all, and so through your powers of deduction, you will say, ‘you lie, there was no tea in that cup’, and I will say ‘yes there was’ and who can say I lie, and that is what the bible is based on. Abraham and Moses for instance said they were talked to by God, who can say that was true but themselves, who can say the lust of men was not still real in the ancient times, Abraham convinces his wife that this God has given him the right to have a child with a much younger woman. And so you ask ‘if there is no God, how are we created?” Lewis stopped talking and stopping down to gather the fine China and cupped it in his hand and stood up straight. He then ground it up with his hands, the audience gasped. Lewis then scattered what must be the dust of the China onto the floor, he put his hands to his mouth and blew into it “My answer is nothing.” He opened his hands and a fully grown Dove appeared from between his hands and flew up into the rafters at the top of the room. The audience gasped.
    “You may say magic, I say creation and so we go on, I will also make a point of how this works both ways in the shape of Her Imperial Majesty, The Queen Empress, she believes that female human does not take part in sexual acts with another female, and as she is a woman, she believes herself to be correct. Now some may disagree but how do you know she is not lying, she believes it, she says it is so. Say, take this apple.” He picked up one of the glass apples out of the fruit bowl “It’s not food, is it?” He turned to the young girl who the Maestro had talked to “Is it?” Lewis jumped down and passed it to the girl. The little girl shook her head as Lewis got back onto the stage “Could I have it back?” The girl threw it to him and there was something wrong about how Lewis reached it, it was too far in front of him for someone to properly catch but he caught it perfectly “I’m sorry but I believe you to be wrong.” Lewis then took a bite out of the apple; the sound of glass shattering was heard. He swallowed the glass easily “It is food and who can argue, I believe it is, it is true. And that is God, thousands, millions of people saying I believe in God, I have no solid proof but because I say it, because I believe it and God is real.” Lewis walked back to his place at the table and sat down, he turned to the female mannequin “God is about as real as Madam Sophie is human, isn’t that right, Sophie?” The mannequin slowly turned her head to the audience, she had a wide, grinning face and rouged cheeks.
    “Yes, that is right, Lewis.” She said in a slow, deliberate, French accent. The audience gasped at the sight of her.
    “Oh, have some manners for our foreign guests, our resident revolutionaries. It is not her fault she is born with that face. Sophie, I bet you find their contorting features disgusting.” Lewis said.
    “Frightful.” Sophie said. She was constantly moving but in stop motion or at least it looked that way. Lewis turned to the male mannequin.
    “And what do you think of our audience, Jean?” Jean turned his head to them in the same, slow, stop motion way that Sophie had.
    “English.” He sneered but he seemed to speak in slow motion. Lewis gave off a small laugh.
    “I introduce to you, ladies and gentlemen; Madam Sophie and Monsieur Jean.” He said, making hand gestures to each of them in turn “We have many political debates about Britain and our great Queen Victoria, of course our different view make for good entertainment. So what have we learnt today? God is a delusion, a myth; he is as real as my tea, that apple and our revolutionaries. And everything is made from nothing.” The Dove came down from the rafters and landed on Lewis’ shoulder. He placed his napkin from his top pocket over it and immediately, the napkin fell flat across his shoulder, the Dove was gone “And so we shall go out with music.” Lewis stood up again as Jean and Sophie stared at the audience, he tapped Sophie on the shoulder “A little music, my dear?” Sophie’s head slowly turned to look at him behind her, further than a human neck could turn.
    “It would be a delight.” She said slowly. Lewis pointed at the little girl.
    “Could you come up here, young lady?” The little girl got up and pulled herself up onto the half metre high stage. Lewis helped her stand up and led her to a clear space behind Sophie, who watching the little girl “Grab here.” Lewis made a motion to grab thin air. The little girl grabbed the air “And pull.” Lewis made a grand gesture as the girl pulled on the thin air and pulled a black sheet off what was now a black grand piano. Lewis went round the piano to pull up the lid as the girl moved rather quickly back to her seat. Sophie slowly turned round so she could play the piano. Lewis went back to his place at the table but did not sit down. He brought his foot up and kicked the table up so it fell onto its side, the objects on the table turned into water as they hit the floor. The liquid although did not reach the audience, just spraying them a bit. He then jumped on to the once table, now large wooden as box as Jean got up and robotically procured a violin from behind the box.
    “Ladies and gentlemen, if I have convinced one of you in the audience, I have succeeded, go on and spread this message to everyone.” He turned to Sophie and then Jean who were now static “Play them out.” The music the two mannequins then started playing was hauntingly beautiful and should have been impossible to play by the robotically moving French mannequins. Lewis stood, staring and smiling at the audience, before the theatre was plunged into darkness.
    Three seconds later, light was returned and the Maestro stood alone on stage. Cries of terror were heard from the audience as people realised the clowns were scuttling around snarling and laughing at individuals. This happened for five seconds before the clowns left by any exit they were near.
    “So ladies and gentlemen, you are back in the world you recognise, a world you can control, or are you, can you ever leave Mr Lewis Battersby’s world once you enter?” The Maestro smiled and looked at every face, different emotions on each one, fear, distrust, amazement “Goodnight.” The Maestro fell back and disappeared into what must have been a trap door.
    It took about ten seconds for anyone to move.
     
  16. Potarto

    Potarto
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    Alright, so I was originally going to try and pull off some Word file where I color-coded the changes, but considering I only have Libre Office, as well as the fact that there was just simply a tremendous amount of work to do in order to accomplish that, I decided instead to just go nuts and hope that you can figure out what you want to keep. I tried to make sure to not change any words from what I assumed to be your localized spelling, and I left a bit of room for error in the character dialogue (since most of us don't exactly speak in perfect syntax), but I did completely overhaul a lot of the grammatical structure, removing run-on sentences and clashing tenses, added some variety in diction to avoid a lot of the redundant word repetition, as well as generally spacing it out a bit more to make it easier to read.

    I also added a few tiny extra bits of narrative detail that I thought would better convey the scene, but I tried to avoid doing it too much, not wanting to remove your own identity from the paper, even if I would have written a lot of the scenes differently.

    I personally don't quite understand the context of the story, other than it clearly being in some older year in England, at the performance of a magician. It certainly got a little bit weird at the end, but I mean hey, it works and it's your paper. I hope my work helps a bit.

    I'm also a bit rusty at this, so I likely missed a few things along the way, and I don't entirely remember how dialogue is spaced out, especially when it begins mid-sentence, but I tried my best and hope it helps.

    Link
     
    #16 Potarto, Jan 5, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2014
  17. NuclearWastE3

    NuclearWastE3
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    The Toxic Avenger
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    I thought it was very entertaining, Darkness. Like Potarto, I found some slight mistakes, but who am I to criticize? My work usually contains a ton of common errors- most accordingly, jumping around from past to present tense :laugh:.

    The opening grabbed my attention and the rest of the story held up as good or better. For some reason, the parts with the mannequins reminded me of the frozen people you find around in Rapture (Bioshock), which to me, added the kind of "awe" the audience in your story were experiencing. :D

    Cool story. :thumb:
     
  18. TheDarknessEnvelops

    TheDarknessEnvelops
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    Lion Triumphant

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    Thanks for the feedback, both of you, and nuclear, when I write in first person, my tenses will go from past, present and sometimes even future and potarto, can you give feedback on the other piece if you ever have the time
     
  19. Potarto

    Potarto
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    I would just like to preface this by pointing out that if you're looking for positive reinforcement...well, I'm not the best person for that. I'll gladly critique stuff though, and if you wanna get better, I'll gladly do my best to help you out. Don't take it in the wrong way, just being honest in my critique.

    You definitely had me going up until the point where a bank was built with housing on top of it, and then had an esteemed guest invited to the grounds. Maybe it's just me, but that seems pretty odd, and I couldn't find any examples of apartments built into a bank to prove my suspicions wrong. The rest of the plot is well-put together, especially some of the dialogue (I got a chuckle out of the "you're thinking of something else" line).

    Although some of the dialogue/who it was assigned to was a bit confusing, but I tried my best to sort it out in a way that made sense.

    I also didn't really understand O'Hara's explanation of being a millionaire and all. What does him showing off and having enemies have to do with getting them into the heist?

    I also don't know what "Got me in one" is supposed to mean.

    I do like how the dialogue is more light-hearted, but I feel like it would help to find a way to end each sentence of dialogue with something other than "he laughed" or "he said". I tried to mix it up just a little bit, but word variety always helps.

    And the scene of the Navy SEAL...I dunno man, I really did not like this one at all, to be brutally honest. It just didn't make sense to me, so I heavily reworked the scene in a way that I thought made more sense (please do not bring back that COD/BF comment) while keeping it in line with the plot of the story and what I think you originally meant by it.

    Also, do try and learn the proper difference between whose/who's, as well as general grammatical structure when dealing with dialogue and quotation marks. Most of my work was just putting periods in and fixing run-on sentences...unless that's actually how you guys do grammar over there, in which case sorry for fucking it all up. I'll leave it to you to decide what you want to keep, it's your story after all.

    Here's the link to my revisions. Hope it helps, sorry if it comes across as rude, and sorry if I missed anything. Enjoy.
     
  20. TheDarknessEnvelops

    TheDarknessEnvelops
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    Thanks for the feedback. I need the criticism really. Also, that SEAL part did bug me a lot because I knew it wasn't great and the got it in one is a British phrase I guess. It means basicLly that you guessed right first time